Con mucha frecuencia vamos por la vida sin decirle a nuestra pareja lo que, realmente, sentimos o pensamos. Parece tan difícil hablar de los sentimientos. De algún modo, da miedo. Tienes miedo de parecer tonto, de ser rechazado o de no recibir la respuesta que deseas. En la terapia de pareja uno de los mitos casi universales que lamentablemente tenemos que romper, o al menos dejar descansar, es la fantasía de la “pecera”: creer que tu pareja debería ser capaz de ver lo que hay dentro de ti y ver todos los sentimientos y pensamientos nadando en tu interior. Funcionas con el supuesto perjudicial de que tu pareja debería saber lo que sientes y necesitas, sin tener que pedirlo. Es posible que pienses que si tienes que pedirlo, no tenga el mismo valor que lo que se da espontáneamente.
Hay una parte de verdad en la idea que sostiene que los gestos espontáneos son una prueba de las intenciones de tu pareja, más específicamente, del amor de tu pareja hacia ti. Pero demandar constantemente pruebas no es una buena forma de llevar una relación a largo plazo. Ser capaz de pedir lo que quieres y necesitas es la mejor manera de asegurar tanto tu satisfacción, como que la relación funcione bien. Cuando algo se pide y se da de buena gana, es una demostración de cariño.
Es preciso que seas capaz de salir del círculo vicioso de ataque y defensa o de persecución y retirada, y que aceptes, verdaderamente, a ti y a tu pareja. Tienes que cambiar las interacciones a través de la expresión de tu sentimiento primario relacionado con el vínculo y con tu necesidad de cercanía y consuelo. Muchas veces para hacerlo, más que cambiar a tu pareja, es necesario que cambies tu.
Fragmento de “Emociones: una guía interna” – Leslie Greenberg
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